I want to be known as a photojournalist of an ordinary life. I love the ordinary.

A writer notices not numbs.

It’s hard to live an authentic life if you don’t know who you really are. These meandering writings clarify and prove the connectedness of all things.

Your choices, actions, behavior create your life.

Intention ➡️ awareness ➡️ attention ➡️ action

Focus on what’s important vs what’s urgent

Dreams are planted in your heart for a reason.

Be your own tool, thermostat, compass, map.

I am an abundance of love, light, peace and growth.

My body rejects numbness (wisdom teeth, 2 babies, essure placement, cyst removal)

I want connection and intimacy

I want to know all about you so I can love you specifically!

I want to break out of the black hole and find luminosity, I am solar-powered

I want to strive for an ordinary unanesthetized life.

Numbing with busyness, food, alcohol, isn’t working – it’s not creating the life of my dreams.

Childhood was numbness, loneliness, time stands still, void of all life…void of joy, emotions, memories, dreams, light, failure, lessons

The absence of connection to my relatives makes me feel numb. My body rejects numbness. My relatives are rejected by my physical body. My mind tells me I should be close to them. But it doesn’t feel good.

Protect my body from stress and trauma

Jumpy to noises, Misophonia, Vertigo, IBS, essure, inflammation

Family secrets aren’t my burden to carry, secrets are toxic waste, they never go away even if they’re buried.

When we deny the story it defines us, when we own the story we can write a brave new ending.

I need to break the generational curse

I will transform my suffering so I don’t transmit it.

I am the thinker of the thoughts, not the thoughts themselves

I will give the moment power and tell the story, words have vibrations and vibrations are energy.

I am meant to feel peace and I am brave enough to protect the peace in my heart.

I realized I was keeping my old wounds open as evidence for a trial that will never come.

I don’t want to avoid funerals, I want to celebrate the life they celebrate and love each day urgently wanting to deserve the life we have left to live.

Each breath releases the numb and embraced life!

Be still and know.

The mind body spirit connection is the tension of being alive. Nervous system, consciousness, dreams, cell regeneration

Use the weekend to build the life you want, instead of trying to escape the life you have.

Water is the ink that writes the poetry of life.

Waves are the music.

Wind, Campfire Crackles, Baby Giggles, Rain, Birds Singing, Waterfalls, Whales Singing

Connection and feeling safe and hope is what I want. I will meet you where you are. If you are unemotionally unavailable and a “dead mom” I will meet you where you are. I tried that and now I just choose being alive. I wanted to repair you, but it’s exhausting and it’s not my burden to bear. The greatest burden a child can bear is the unlived life of a parent. I’m not a child anymore. Some things can’t be repaired. Mourning separates those that died from those that want to stay alive. Grieving my relatives relationship was the healthiest thing I could have done.

Unknown secrets, but also known secrets, war, ptsd, Carl, Bruce … things we know but don’t talk about… denial, defensive, repression, projection (of what we don’t like about ourselves into others). Epigenetics emotional trauma is passed down (famine, slavery, holocaust)

I have my own issues (misophonia) I need to manage and fix the hurt and pain.

What we don’t say chokes us when we die. Things you hide, secrets, fear of a life not lived, not be authentic …

What must I do to be at peace with myself so I may live presently and die gracefully?

I lean into busyness, not because it numbs me but because it energizes me, challenges me, gives me room to grow and learn a new job. It just needs to be balanced busyness.

What are you doing to yourself in the world of neuroscience that is distorting the messages your body is trying to interpret and receive. The shape of your ears the shape of your skull the distance between your eyes have all been wired to your brain by learning from your environment your whole life. The best thing you can do to handle messages from the world is get enough sleep drink water eat healthy exercise all the things everybody’s been telling you all along

Taking care of yourself will help with pain relief much more than finding a secrets or numbing any emotions

Maybe you’re not suffering from anxiety or depression. Maybe you are anticipating or you have determination or you are interpreting the signals from your body in an indirect way because you’ve muddied the signals over and over again by messing up the physiological and chemical world and numbing yourself

If you always jump to find those emotions as anxiety you’ll never be curious enough to learn more and go out into the world and solving problems and have different experiences and re-define those pathways

The point of being human is to find the connections between how we think how we feel how we act. And numbing just numbs your awareness and the ability to find those connections

Choosing numbness is choosing suffering and choosing exhaustion. Living authentically in the moment being present feeling all the feelings that’s the way I wanna go through life

Coolest thing to happen to me was epply procedure — reset myself so I could be present.

I think we created the idea of god. Not discovered it. It’s not science, its just a book club.

Work is just going to a room where you share a piece of carpet and feel lonely surrounded by people…

Stop lying to myself (Catholic, friendships) confronting my sugar addiction, painful inflammation…. Be present and collaborate with them universe to be my best self

My Why

Feel everything

Live authentically

Even if it’s hard or uncomfortable

I oscillate between living like the credits are rolling and planning every minute of my days to pack it all in ….

To going day after day wonder what I did differently (wake up, shower, commute, work, takeout …. Sleep do it all again)

Google anemia and anesthesia and feelings

Time, Money, Energy – all tools

Using it up under anesthesia (numb, retail therapy, spending money you don’t have)

Not the goal 🙂

Why do you want more of it for ??

Intentional

Aligned

Intent

Attention

Thoughts

Emotions

Behaviors

Actions

Power cord is me

Create energy

Follow fascination

Dear Future Me

I give you permission to be all the antonyms of numb. To feel it all, the headaches, the stress, the tired, the pain (keep working out), sober (it’s ok if it gets awkward with friends), all the emotions.

I am entrusted with this body and soul and I am enough!

Live at the edge of the deepest beauty, deepest pain, our hearts, world view deepen and expand.

I used to take 3 Advil at the start of every day, every time I felt a twinge of uncomfortable, before I went to bed like a comfy blanket inside me numbing the day. Now that I don’t take Advil constantly, I have a more full life and the same amount of pain.

And this is how I hope and dream that I’ve parented throughout the years by giving my child the love and space to become authentically true to themselves and know who they are because that is what will serve them in the world. I will be here as your Lighthouse, your Northstar and you can come to me with questions for the rest of your life but I want you to trust yourself I want you to love yourself I want you to know that you really don’t need anything else in the world except for you you can do it you are enough

The contradiction of misophonia and how I like certain sounds but not all of them and how I gravitate towards learning sign language even though I live in the land of the hearing I always fantasize about being able to just walk through life in your own head but then I also realize how sad it would be to not hear music or laughter and just embracing all of me even if it seems chronic. I want to be my authentic self and I’m not going to worry about what other people think of me or how I need to move about in the world that makes sense for me.

What’s your favorite part about being an Earthling? Sunsets? Sound of Rain? Wind in your face? Waves crashing? Campfire crackles? Baby giggles?

Earth 🌍

🐙 🐢 🌊 🐟 🐬 🐳 🐋 🦈

Love ❤️

Laughter

Dolphins 🐬

Sun ☀️ ⭐️ 🌙

Chocolate 🍫

Birds 🦅

Coffee ☕️

Autumn Leaves 🍁 🍂

Water 💦

Beaches 🏝

Naps 😴

Books 📚

Movies 🍿

Music 🎶

Art 🎨

Adventures 🚘

Baseball ⚾️

Some of the most important things I’ve learned so far ….

I want to be known as a photojournalist of an ordinary life. If you pay attention to the ordinary, the extraordinary will take care of itself.

Rx: Daily Dose of Novelty

Be Kind. Be Brave. Be Curious.

Creation is quiet. Destruction is noisy. WWTD?

Am I interested or committed to my goal?

Heal! I’m keeping it around as evidence of a trial that will never come.

I am an abundance of love, light, peace and growth. whatever follows I am comes looking for you …

Be still & know. Meditate.

How can I help?

Time has memory. Space has energy.

Habits are greater than goals or resolutions.

Believe in the power of the incremental. Every action you take is a vote for the person you are trying to become.

I can control my behavior, attitude, actions and words. Words have vibrations and create energy.

Money and energy are just tools, not the goal.

*thermostat *compass *map *hourglass

Pleasure does not equal happiness.

How can I make today better? sun, wind, water, campfire, write, nap, hammock, candle, dolphins, book, podcast, massage …

What do I want to remember about today? The question I want to ask myself and my family and friends ….

I have a super power of making a 5.5 hour drive take 10 hours because I can’t NOT stop at the scenic overlooks or Little Cubs Field. But that was the beauty of my trip to Minnesota this weekend, I was on my own schedule and I had the whole day off to drive there. I followed the Illinois and Wisconsin Great River Road along the Mississippi River. My drive was full of white farmhouses with front porches and rocking chairs. Red barns sprinkled in the rolling hills of corn and soybeans. Donkeys, cows, goats, birds and leaves just beginning to change colors. The drive was varied between Amish Wagons, legal ATVs on the road and busses in the left lane (HOV). I saw the sunset as I was pulling up to my hotel.

After I checked in at the hotel, I ran to the hot tub, I love when you take a deep breath arms fall to your side but they float. It’s a lovely metaphor for my life right now. You don’t have to sink or swim, you can float. The bubbles add a little movement so you feel alive and relaxed and not stiff. Swimming and water makes my joints, especially my knees finally feel pain-free. I gravitate towards anything water … even just driving along the river instead of corn fields. This was a lovely way to end my day.

 

Saturday morning, I started exploring Northfield and realized the whole town smells like Malt-O-Meal. And everyone really is MINNESOTA-NICE. The only graffiti I saw was super cute (Olaf the snowman) and written in chalk.  I walked along the Cannon River, saw the Ames Mill Dam.  I stopped in front of the First National Bank of Northfield, the last Jesse James robbery. Downtown was adorable and full of books and art and coffee! I grabbed a vanilla cinnamon roll from the Brick Oven Bakery and headed to my hotel as the weather took a turn for the worse.  I took a short nap during the storm and woke up just in time to head to the Cross Country Meet.

 

St. Olaf’s campus can be described by a windmill, ice rink and beach volleyball court. I cheered very loudly for my son! And stayed to watch his team take 8^th out of 25. And then headed to the Farmer’s River Market, which closed at 1pm.  I took a quick picture of the LOVE mural and grabbed an iced coffee from the Hideaway Coffee House and went on an adventure to downtown Minneapolis. On my way back, I visited the Fireside Apple Orchard and Gardens and purchased some yummy food for myself and a friend. I meandered around the Content Bookstore until they closed at 5:30.  I had a beer outside next-door at the Contented Cow.  I watched the sunset on the Bridge over the Cannon River. And headed back to my favorite place (hot tub).

 

I felt a little like Megan (Melissa McCarthy’s character in the movie Bridesmaids when she took too many puppies) where I overcommitted and booked a vine harvesting wine experience from 8-2:30 on Sunday … but after adulting and realizing I have 148 unread work emails before Monday AM I decided to just drive home when I woke up! And I ditched out on my $25 t-shirt and wine experience.

 

I seem to always live my life like the world is rolling the credits and I just have this once chance to see and do everything I want to. Which was actually proven to be true as my wonderful memories of Keegan’s Irish Pub and Finnegan’s Brewery couldn’t be recreated this trip as Keegan’s went out of business and Finnegan’s was closed for a private event, even after my hour long drive up there… I am so grateful for this time to myself and random inexpensive adventures.

 

I spent 24 hours in De Pere, Wisconsin (Pronounced Da-Pier) and it was amazing for my soul! I took 1 vacation day, drove my husband to work, delivered Starbucks to my high schooler, dropped him off at school, got past Whitefish Bay, turned around to drop off college kid stuff for him…. Finally got to De Pere at 1pm (should have been less than a 3 hour drive). It took a tank of gas to drive there and back. The 24 hrs I spent in the city limits of De Pere and Green Bay were action packed! 26k steps, 371 photos, 2 beers, 1 dip on the hot tub and only 128 unread work emails (I thought it would be wayyyy worse), and 107 finishers in the men’s 6K race. I only spent money on hotel, food and gas. All of my sightseeing and adventures were free!

On Friday I hiked Wequiock Falls and saw love-locks hooked to the fence. Underneath the bridge is a really cool tunnel of graffiti!

Second, I stopped at the Bay Beach Wildlife Sanctuary, which is an amazing zoo-like area. I was nearly the only visitor as the sky opened up and it rained pretty hard on my entire visit, but I still loved that place.

Next was my most anticipated stop, Sabamba Alpaca Farm. I took selfies with the adorable alpaca and bought the softest and coziest socks I have ever owned.

I ‘accidentally’ drove my Lambeau Field and took a silly selfie, because, why not?

I checked in at my hotel and then was off to meet my old friend for dinner. She suggested Hinterland, and it was amazing. I embraced my location and had the Door County Cherry Wheat.

I experienced a true midwestern welcome. We closed out our bill at the restaurant and we’re offered to-go cups for our beer. We went on a tour around the atrium of Lambeau which I never would have know was open! The area around Lambeau has ping pong, shuffleboard, horseshoes all free and open. You can throw a pass or kick a field goal. Later that gorgeous evening we spent chatting around the firepit in her backyard, it was perfection.

In the morning, I woke up at 6am to enjoy the hot tub (one of my favorite things). After I checked out of the hotel, I walked through Voyageur Park and the DePere Riverwalk. The benches write their own poetry of the people of De Pere as you weave through the beautiful tree-lined river walk along the Fox River. The dam and lock were garnished with love-locks. Dozens of bird species serenaded me.

I grabbed a cup of coffee at Luna Coffee (delish!) and went on a mural hunt around town. Every corner was a new mural or piece of public art!

Then it was time for why I really drove up there. Walking up to tent village gave me the best kind of butterflies. This is the reason I made the trip! I’m so grateful for the nice weather, for my son not having an injury, for the whole team not having COVID, for the pandemic to be under control enough to have a season and spectators. All of it! The familiar sound of portopotty doors slamming faded as the national anthem began. The cheers of all the teams pumping each other up right before the starting gun is a brilliant melody I have truly missed these last 9+ months. Cross Country is one of the most wonderful sports.

Recently, I drove up to Winthrop Harbor to watch the beautiful Sunrise. Sometimes I feel like the sun and birds put on this magical show just for me. I am always drawn to Lake Michigan, and began remembering all of the special moments the Lake has given me. Both my son and my sister live right off Lake Michigan. I graduated college at Navy Pier. I have cried on the shores during the pandemic. I’ve meditated to the waves.

When I hiked the 43 Lake County Trails, the ones near Lake Michigan always floated to the top, and Fort Sheridan has a special place in my heart. I have seen my son run an NCAA cross country meet along the shore. I have completed the Polar Plunge 4 times in Lake Michigan (once as an extra on a TV show). 

 

When I fly overhead (Milwaukee, O’Hare or Midway) it always feels like home. I explored a lighthouse in Milwaukee and had a beautiful view of Lake Michigan. I used to eat my lunch outside by the lake the entire summer of 1994 when I had an internship at the Shedd Aquarium. I enjoy hearing the waves crash behind me as the band sings on stage at Summerfest. I remember looking out at the Lake after climbing 1,632 stairs of the Hancock Building (5 times). I have fond memories of viewing the Chicago Air and Water Show from my sister’s rooftop pool. Catching a glimpse of the Lake from our seats at the Bears Game or Wrigley Field if the sky is clear.

I remember our fun adventure of taking bicycles on the Metra and riding along the Lakefront last summer. Enjoying Taste of Chicago and Buckingham Fountain on the shores of Lake Michigan.  I ended High School Prom with a nighttime cruise. I’ve seen fireworks at Navy Pier.  Chaperoning the Kindergarten field trip to Lincoln Park Zoo and driving by. Walking along the shore before our sleepover at the Shedd and Dozin’ with Dinos at the Field Museum.  Splashing in the rocky beach at Illinois Beach State Park. Meditating to the Waves at the St. Mary’s retreat in Racine.  Watching the sunset on the shores of Michigan while I lived there in 1993.  Running a ½ marathon and Hot Chocolate 15K along the Lake path. And finishing my 60 mile breast cancer walk at Grant Park (twice); where the WonderBra’ds solidified our forever friendship.

I have a love affair with Lake Michigan. I love to visit as often as I can.

My political views can be described as EMPATHY. I vote so that our leaders and our laws help the greatest number of us.

I’m not sure how that’s controversial.

Pro-Life says much more about your socioeconomic status than it does about your morality.
Pro-Life would really look like:
*20 Sandy Hook Students in Driver’s Ed
*zero teen suicide (especially lgbtq teens!)
*420,000+ children in foster care adopted into loving homes
*universal healthcare
*paid maternity leave
*affordable childcare for everyone
*men having equal legal and financial responsibilities for unborn babies
*refugees have all the resources they need
*homelessness, hunger, poverty, racial inequality would all be resolved …

Please read about the views of who you plan to vote for and make sure they align with your personal values.

There are a lot of angry, greedy, uneducated voters that are not looking at the whole picture of our society and how we might be able to help one another.

Please make sure you understand the issues and how your vote impacts them, before you cast your ballot.

And remember, voting is public transportation, not marriage. You don’t have to find “the one”. You just need to pick the people going in the right direction!

As I started driving home away from nature my chest tightened up, my heart started racing, I couldn’t take a deep breath, I need more time alone. I need more time to just be.

I still have that pandemic feeling where you feel stuck at home, you feel stuck in your job, you just feel stuck in life and the only thing that shakes it up is movement outside and in nature.

A sinking feeling when you know you have to go home because it’s other people’s expectation and your family needs you. And this is what a good wife and a good mother and a good employee does…. They hold it together and keep being a high performer. I’m dragging my little red wagon full of responsibilities through all of these beautiful places but I never give myself permission to stop and breathe.

Today I did that.

Stopped.

Breathed.

And it was the best thing I could have done for my soul.

I love public art! And these stars throughout Mundelein are so fantastic! If you haven’t seen them all yet go now!

I’m not trying to be mean little squirrels, I got you this feeder first.

Now I’d like the beautiful birds to visit too ….

So just to be clear, we are still friends, but I need you to stick to your feeder 🙂 thanks goofballs!

And yes, I’m backyard-bird-excitement-years-old now ….