The world is blurry and fuzzy. We can’t always have things just right. We are not goldilocks.

Walking through the forest, we see abundant life, but also fallen trees, decaying trunks, rotting leaves and decomposing matter. Wherever we look we will find death as well as life.  If we look closer, the rotting leaves are also giving birth to new life and are full of microorganisms (life itself)!

Choices and Decisions don’t always have a perfect Right and Wrong.
The world needs both Questions and Answers.
Attention and Distraction
Good and Evil
Hunter and Prey
Mind and Body
Love and Fear
Happiness and Sadness
Wind and Stillness
Seed and Flower
Infant and the Old Man
Quiet and Loud
Alone and Together
Follow the Rules or Creatively Problem Solve

Life is full of gray areas, blurry lines and spectrums.  What did you dream your life would be like when you were little? Is it exactly like you pictured? Each of your choices and experiences sent you down a different winding path. But you’re still you.

Seasons are fluid they don’t happen overnight, it’s a blurry transition from summer to fall. Leaves change color one a time. They fall slowly.

Sunrise and sunset is blurry. The colors and shapes change with each blink of your eyes. The sun catches fire as it enters a lake.

Age is blurry, you don’t just become old, hard of hearing with memory impairment overnight.

Sleep happens slowly, you phase into it, and gradually wake up.

Your art project deliberately comes to life before it’s a masterpiece.

Flowers bloom sluggishly to get ready for the bee to pollinate.

Feeling full happens slowly. You don’t eat your whole dinner in one bite.

A beginning is also an ending (new year, finishing a project).

You can have lots of feelings at one time.

Love is one giant universal force. We of course feel lonely, because we are just a small part of it.  We are supposed to be lonely. We are just one piece. Don’t numb those feelings with your body, drugs, food, busyness, etc. We need patience, be just as you are. Loneliness ends when you realize you are part of eternity. We are equal parts insignificant and irreplaceable.

Humans need to get more comfortable with blurriness. Gender, politics, every issue is fuzzy. Why can’t we just kindly listen to one another and get comfortable with the blurry lines?

The word family can even be blurry; some people define family as their husband or kids or spouse or parents-siblings-cousins-aunts-uncles. Some include their friends because they treat them like family and they do anything for each other. Some people include pets. But we all agree that families spread love.

If you look hard enough, you’ll realize everything is a spectrum, and are all our own life’s goldilocks and our “Just Right” is somewhere on the same spectrum …. We have more in common than we have differences.  In a world where we want everything “Just Right” we need to remember that it’s not the same answer or selection for everyone. And that’s what makes the world beautiful.

Find the beauty in the blurry.

I seem to always respond to group texts awkwardly. The conversation will be going along quite nicely and I will say something… and then crickets…. like my message went into some void … but most likely they screen-shotted what I sent and are all side-texting about how crazy I am.

So I will delete all my group messages from my phone, delete everything I have ever posted on facebook, and hope no one ever texts me, talks to me or remembers I ever existed.

And then a few days later someone will text something to said-deleted-group-text-message and I’ll get excited to pretend to have friends again … and then of course I’ll say something awkward and do it all over again…

Anyone else have this problem? No? Just me?

LOL — I’m just still trying to figure out how to be a human. That’s all… Random Thoughts!

When my college student comes home and we’re all as one family…

I so appreciate just being together.

Being present in the same moment in space-time.

It’s a much deeper exhale and a much deeper inhale.

Both for my lungs and for my soul.

Life is just better.

My children are the only ones who know the breadth and depth of my love, for they’ve heard my lungs and my heart from the inside.

I love when I am with them.

Whether is a special occasion and part of life’s highlight reel, or just an ordinary afternoon.

I am forever grateful for this moment.

On this day of your baby shower I wanted to send you so much love, congratulations and offer whatever solid advice I have gained in the last 19 years… but it comes down to this: when you have a question you don’t know the answer to, follow the path that feels like LOVE and you’ll always make the right choice.

Becoming a mom is scary, anxiety-producing, bold, brave, courageous, terrifying, blissful, proud, cheerful, uncomfortable and the most wonderful thing I have ever done with my life.

Soak in all the milestones! The concerts at school. The half-birthday height measurements on the kitchen wall. The homemade Mother’s Day cards. The Little League games. Look forward to them. Enjoy them. Remember them. Write about them or photograph them. Anticipate the next milestone, but be fully present in the moment, realize you are so blessed to be here and experience it.

Especially, enjoy these last few weeks of having him all to yourself!

I can’t wait for you to find out how your heart grows and you gain the capacity to love deeper and more profound that can ever be put into words.

I love this little guy already. I can’t wait to meet him. I’m here for you both always for whatever you may need or want.

Love,
Aunt Cheryl

P.S. Since I have never actually published any children’s books, I can’t gift them in physical form, but here are four of my picture books in digital form as a special present to my nephew. Enjoy!

MAMA WORRIES
Some moms go to work and some moms stay home. All moms love their children.
My mama goes to work. And worries.
Mama rushes to dry my clothes before school.  I feel calm when I put on my very warm sweatshirt.
Mama worries about sending me in the carpool.  I feel happy when I get to ride with my friends.
Mama is concerned when I buy lunch at school. I feel lucky to be in charge and pick chocolate milk with my sandwich.
Mama runs out of groceries the night before the bake sale. I love that she stays up past my bedtime and bakes my favorite cookies and saves one just for me.
Mama is concerned when we have a Saturday with nothing fun planned. But I feel calm when we can all sleep in and hang out in our pajamas until lunch.
Mama worries when I must stay home sick from school.  But I love that she stays home too and works on her computer; letting me pick the TV shows all day makes me feel better.
Mama is distressed when she must fly on an airplane far away for work. I feel joy because she calls me every night. We can talk as long as I want and she brings me a present from another country.
Mama misses me when she has coffee with her girlfriends.  I miss her too.  But she always has so many more smiles when she gets back from coffee, and I like when she has more smiles.
Mama is perplexed about letting me text from the iPad. I feel connected when I can talk to her whenever I want.
Mama can’t always help me with my homework because she needs to be on the phone with her boss during homework time.  But I learned to be confident and try homework the first time by myself, and I can usually do it.
Mama worries I might fall off my bike. But if I wear my helmet she’ll ride her bike with me for hours around our neighborhood.
Mama worries she is missing out on family time when she volunteers.  But when I see her help people, I realize it is important to give back to our community.
Mama thinks having a pet is a lot of work, so I help. The dog we rescued brings me so much cheer.
Mama worries about us eating too much sugar most of the time. But on holidays there are no rules. On Halloween, we get to have candy for dinner. And on Christmas morning we have Jesus’ birthday cake for breakfast.
Mama worries about me being safe at school, at the park and crossing the street, but I love how peaceful I feel when she hugs me so tight.
When mama worries, she’s just loving me with her WHOLE heart.

MUSICAL MICHAEL AND FRECKLED FINNEGAN
notes for illustrations in italics
Michael and Finnegan are twin brothers. They do everything together, but observe the world in different ways.
Michael notices and hears beauty wherever he goes.
Finnegan feels and sees beauty wherever he goes.
The leaves rustle
Musical Michael hears the crunch under his feet. Freckled Finnegan sees the leaves dance and swirl in the wind.
Running a race
Musical Michael detects his heart beat to a rhythm in his ears. Freckled Finnegan views the world fly by faster than usual as he races.
Hugging mom goodnight
Musical Michael finds comfort in her good night ritual of a story or song. Freckled Finnegan finds comfort in her hug and kiss.
Daydreaming out of the window
Musical Michael hears the wind sneaking in the window.  Freckled Finnegan observes the sunlight casting shadows inside and outside.
Walking down the street
Musical Michael eavesdrops on people talking and all of the languages together blend into a song.  Freckled Finnegan observes people holding hands and making friendships.
A puppy appears
Musical Michael imitates the soft barking. Freckled Finnegan describes the soft fur and how happy puppies make him feel.
At the beach
Musical Michael appreciates the waves crashing along the shore.  Freckled Finnegan closes his eyes and feels the warmth of the sunshine while his feet sink into the sand.
Reading a book
Musical Michael rhythmically reads out loud.  Freckled Finnegan stops to appreciate the feeling of the pages between his fingers as he turns them.
As they take a deep breath
Musical Michael will focus on the pattern his body makes. Freckled Finnegan will focus on the breath going into his chest or stomach and how the different deep breaths feel inside.
The rain falls
Musical Michael hears the arrangement of the raindrops. Freckled Finnegan will splash in the puddles.
The candle flickers
Musical Michael will hear the crackle as the wax begins to melt. Freckled Finnegan will follow the light dancing with his eyes and enjoy the fragrant scent.
Riding in the car
Musical Michael enjoys his favorite song playing. Freckled Finnegan plants himself by the window and experiences the rush of the wind on his face.
In the summer
Musical Michael listens to the birds sing. Freckled Finnegan takes his shoes off and concentrates on the grass between his toes.
At the baseball game
Musical Michael finds comfort in the crowd cheering for his favorite team. Freckled Finnegan loves being part of a team where everyone works together.
On the rollercoaster
Musical Michael laughs and screams as the coaster speeds up. Freckled Finnegan counts the hills and feels how strong the wind is at the top.
Musical Michael discovers every laugh, enjoys every song, appreciates every instrument, recognizes commercials on the TV and radio and dances through life.
Freckled Finnegan cuddles with a soft blanket, takes deep breaths, swims in the lake, is captivated by every sunset and enjoys every moment of life.
On their birthday, the brothers used their 5 senses. They inhaled their baking birthday cake. They licked the frosting. They made a wish. They smiled for a photo. They took in their birthday. Musical Michael loved the happy birthday song. Freckled Finnegan loved watching the candles dance while they were lit.
Michael notices and hears beauty wherever he goes.
Finnegan feels and sees beauty wherever he goes.

A MOTHER’S PRAYER
May you always be kind, even to people who don’t deserve it.
May you be strong in mind and body.
May you be brave enough to stand up for yourself and help protect your friends from bullies.
May you make good choices in friends, food and social media posts.
May you be wrapped in bubble wrap all the time; whether it’s walking across the street or playing ultimate frisbee.
When you fail, may you see the lesson.
May you take care of the Earth and find new solutions to big problems.
May you love and support your siblings with your whole being.
May you be interested in Legos and cartoons way too long.
May you always count your blessings and stop to appreciate daily miracles of sunrises and friendships.
May you always pay attention and drive carefully.
May you dream so big it scares you.
May you remember your childhood as Little League games, ice cream cones and board games. May you not remember your stressed out mom yelling “hurry or we’ll be late.”
May your first broken heart be quickly healed.
May you lead a long, healthy, and very happy life.
May you not sweat the small stuff.
And most of all may you know that I will always love you with my whole heart, forever!

QUIET FLIGHT
Papa declared “The sun is shining, get your shoes on, we’re going on an adventure!”
We head out around the corner from Papa’s house, where the grasses grow taller than me on my tipped toes.
I see a turtle slow-motion dancing with his shadow.
I grab an aging dandelion, blow and make a wish.
On a young milkweed plant, I spotted a butterfly.
Papa appreciated the butterfly and began narrating our observations.
”Butterflies lay eggs on a leaf. Then the eggs hatch.  Look closely to find the small caterpillars.” Papa called them larvae.  We shuffled through the plants by the pond and found a caterpillar.  Papa picked him up and placed him on my arm. The caterpillar tickled me as he crawled along.
We saw a few pieces of their egg shell left, and the caterpillar ate it.
Papa explained “that’s how they grow, now that the shell is gone, they begin to eat the leaves.”
We finished our walk and Papa advised “The caterpillar will build a protective layer around himself and become a pupa, and take a long nap in a chrysalis. ”
I drifted off to sleep for a long nap too, lulled to sleep by the sounds of crickets and frogs outside.
When I woke up Papa told me I looked bigger, like I was a growing butterfly. I had a metamorphosis!
“What happens when the butterfly is done napping Papa?” I inquired.
“The butterfly wakes up when he’s ready, and wiggles through the cocoon on his own. We needn’t help him.  The struggle of coming out is what makes the fluid go into his wings so he can soon fly. He comes out on his own time.” Papa answered.
“How does a caterpillar learn how to fly?” I questioned.
Papa replied “He can only fly because he is brave and he trusts himself.”
All of that change happens on the inside while other people can’t see, I thought.
“What happens to the cocoon?” I sputtered.   
Papa admitted “The butterfly doesn’t need it anymore.  It takes all of his memories with him. It’s like our bodies. When we die, we leave our bodies here on earth, but our spirit lives on and becomes a different energy, and we are remembered in the memories of others.”
“The butterfly takes everything he needs with him when he flies away. Love, his spirit, and everything that made him special stays with him.” Papa reported.
I announced “But I remember the way he crawled on me as a caterpillar, like a wiggly snake trying to balance.”
Papa replied “You used to crawl, and now you can walk and run, just the like butterfly can fly. When something grows, it changes. It’s like a graduation for the butterfly. Once you shed the cocoon you can’t go back in.”
I picked up some garbage, we have to take care of this pond so the butterflies have a beautiful place to live. And the caterpillars have a safe place to grow and nap.
Papa rambled “No one really knows what happens when you die, because once you graduate, you can’t go back into the body you left, just like the butterfly can’t go back in the cocoon. But I think we will learn to fly just like the butterfly, we’ll know what to do when the time comes. “
The butterfly flies around, the shimmering flecks of gold on his wings glistening in the sun.
”Mom says she felt butterflies in her stomach when I grew in there.” I blurted.
Papa smiles and reminds me “Don’t chase it. Sit quietly and it will come visit you.”
The butterfly lands on my shoulder.
“Being still is important.” Papa convinced “Wonderful things happen when you sit still and recognized the beauty around you.  Noticing the small activity around you opens your heart. Just like breathing deeply opens your lungs.”
I took a deep breath and the flowers were overwhelmingly perfumey and strong. The butterfly gently pushed off my shoulder and flew away.
I echoed “he had what he needed to fly inside him.”
“I’m glad he can fly but I’ll miss him.” I gushed.
Papa offered to take me back to the pond to search for butterflies again soon.  He reminded me that the butterfly chose to be with me.
“Don’t be sad little one” Papa whispered “Be grateful for the gift of time with your special friend, even if it was just for a little while.”

it’s always the middle
we enter each other’s lives in the middle of the story
we enter our families in the middle of their legacy
we are in the middle of stress
the middle moment between attention and distraction
the middle of our careers or middle of a job search
middle of our dreams and goals
the middle of a project, a book, an idea, a thought
the middle of life
there really is no beginning or end, we are all connected, it’s all one big never-ending story
enjoy the middle

Happy Valentine’s Day!
I wrote a personal love letter to my husband and sons, but here I wanted to share a love letter to something we all may take for granted.

We all technically only have a minute or two to live; but every time we inhale oxygen, our timer resets.

Recently the world has focused on breath, fresh air, healthy lungs…

“I can’t breathe” George Floyd

California wildfires, poor air quality and the devastating impact of climate change

COVID pandemic

The anger, lies and hate (and the optimism brought forth by this quote: “What if this is not the darkness of the tomb, but the darkness of the womb? And America is a country waiting to be birthed, and we are being called to breathe and to push?” Valeria Corp)

Living through this pandemic is an extraordinary experience I never imagined. A voyage I never enlisted in. But it has taught me that, as much I know LOVE rules the world, and is the key to understanding the universe, the lungs have eclipsed the heart as the most important organ in the human body.

Your heart is just a pump; pumping oxygenated blood of all types A, B, O, +/- throughout your body.  But we breathe the same air as our neighbors, just like a match combines with a fire to become one.

Your lungs are the only organ interacting with the outside world every few seconds. Lungs are where life is. That’s where all connection lies. Our connection is what brings us peace, power, purpose. Our breath is our reality. Love lives in the gap/space between our breathes. We breathe in love, breathe out love. Blocking the flow is hurting our healing. During this pandemic, we feel separate, we are separated.  But we must stay disconnected, physically distant to survive. Masking is how we are practicing compassion and empathy and love. We need to get used to this new way of connecting.

It hurts because our breath is what is hurting people now. We are forced to cover our breath with a mask, we are forced to disconnect due to the virus. It’s hurting more than our lungs. We are forced to stand 6-feet apart, on little stickers on the floor, and resist inviting friends to dinner or into our homes. It’s straining our relationships. We have to abandon activities we adore.

I don’t want to hold my breath any longer. Waiting … to see how the pandemic ends OR when life will get back to “normal” OR what is changing at work OR if we should single-mask or double-mask OR how to get on the vaccine wait list…

Stop waiting. Stay safe and stay healthy. Make your life worthy of each breathe.

Have you written a mission and/or vision statement for your life, or for your day? I think it’s a productive step towards living an authentic life. I want to know which direction I hope to be going, and keep aligning myself with those goals.

Here is my first draft:

I wake up intentionally, knowing today’s sunrise will bring me hope.

I am an abundance of love, light and peace.

I choose kindness every day. Even when it’s hard.

Emotions are my compass.

I am solar-powered.

Truth is my North Star.

I follow my fascination and curate the energy around me to allow me to be informed and inspired.

I live authentically and recognize the connectedness of all things.

I cultivate curiosity.

I work to transform my suffering, so I don’t transmit it.

I am bold and brave.

I am my first love. I just wanted to be friends with my body.

Life is a constant celebration.

Whether I am going through a break-up, break-through or break-down, I am not broken!

I am a garden of growth. Blooming in strength, emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually …

I inhale dreams and exhale hope.

Each night, I lay my head on my pillow with peace in my heart.