My favorite food truck 🛻 🦞 🍻 Date with Ryan De Pere for NACC conference meet De Pere for NACC conference meetDe Pere for NACC conference meetDe Pere for NACC conference meetDrag Brunch Adult Toy BingoDrag Brunch Adult Toy BingoMonday Night Movie Guardians of the Galaxy Neighborhood Walk Neighborhood WalkPark On Park 🚘 MHS hosting conference meet Neighborhood Walk with Finn 📷
✔️ BBQ bike ride and portillos chocolate cake 🎂 for Kurt’s birthday 🥳 and a big donation 💰 to Planned Parenthood
Mother’s Day 3rd place in the MAC photo contest 📷💕
TRUE COLORS The butterfly lifecycle metaphor is a fascinating illustration of life, death, growth and change. Nature emphasizes that we are all connected through joy, peace and our TRUE COLORS. Slow down and be transformed. Look deeply and you’ll experience an abundance of awe in the beautiful hues of our own backyard.
Charles is busy so I get Ryan on a Wednesday #PlanBArtist Date 🍷 ✍️ fun with friends 🍻 Writing class 🎶 gorgeous Saturday afternoon hike perfect summer night in one photo ☀️ always have cash with you for times like this! 🥤 brunch in the sunshine! one of my favorite things 🥂 Tina & Amy w/ Juliann & Michelle ☂️🌂☀️
✔️ Volleyball started 🏐🦙 first time we’ve been ejected! 😂
2 retirement parties in 2 days! 💻
✔️ Family Bags Night 🍕
Swimming at Uncle Mike and Aunt Linda’s
✔️ BBQ with first batch of pasta salad
Fire pit ☀️ Relaxing 😎 Memorial Day 🇺🇸 I heard the band playing the star spangled banner 🎶 and 21gun salute 🫡 Grateful for friendship!
Mostly grateful for sunshine this month! And this blog really is helping me count my blessings and see just how many adventures my life is full of!! 💕☀️ #onelittleword #up #lookup
I’m writing this so it doesn’t change me … I don’t think I have the power to change the world.
I am pro-choice. If you don’t like abortion, you can just not have one! Your emotions are not my responsibility.
I am not pro-abortion.
I am pro-healthcare, pro-suicide prevention, pro-welfare, pro-sex education, pro-vaccines, pro-refugees, pro-birth control, pro-maternity leave, pro-affordable daycare, pro-body autonomy (unplugging life support and donating organs), pro-free school lunches…
I am anti-gun, anti-control of women, and anti-children in dcfs custody (foster care).
Why are your thoughts and prayers not enough to fix your pro-life quest?
Donate to planned parenthood now 🙂 I just did!
And until there are zero children unhoused or hungry…. Just stop this nonsense!
PS your “pro-life” cause says so much more about your socioeconomic status than your values. So look in the mirror. Who are you helping?
I walk around Earth wanting to scream “STOP CHEWING!”. Misophonia is not life- threatening, but is definitely life-altering. Misophonia poked a hole in me and all of the kindness and patience has been drained through my Misophonia-Shaped-Colander.
How Misophonia Feels in My Body
I struggled for decades and just thought I was crazy, until there was a word (and other people!) for what I was experiencing: Misophonia. This bizarre neurophysiological disorder with psychological consequences. I never thought finding a label or diagnosis would be this impactful. But I think that’s what we all want, to not feel different, or at least if we are different, to not feel alone.
Human mouth sounds are my worst misophonia trigger. Simple chewing, swallowing, or opening wrappers trigger an overwhelming fight or flight reaction in my entire body.
I don’t like using the word trigger but it’s the most appropriate word. I feel completely unsafe. It’s so frustrating that I can’t tell my brain to just flip the switch back to feeling safe again. I get triggered mostly by noisy foods like gum, an apple, chewy candy, cereal, tortilla chips, crinkle of an empty water bottle, but also a dog drinking out of a water bowl or people brushing their teeth. The most infuriating part is that I don’t always even have to hear the sound, if I see someone’s jaw moving on a zoom call when they’re on mute, or at a stop light while their windows are rolled up, or across the table in the noisy restaurant, it still triggers the same uncontrollable and aggressive flight or fight reaction in my brain and throughout my body.
Once I am triggered by misophonia, I feel rage bubbling up, until I physically want to run away to escape or punch the wall and explode. The reaction is intense, immediate, physical, anger, rage, disgust, and uncontrolled, impulsive aggression. These physiological signs of stress (increased sweat and heart rate) don’t make sense to me, as a biology major.
The physical torturous reaction my body has to sounds is a concept I’d have a hard time believing or understanding if I didn’t experience the fierce sensations myself. These sounds would have this excruciating reaction in my body, and I honestly wouldn’t believe someone else if this was their essay. But I assure you, these reactions are not just a quirk, annoyance or eccentricity I can ignore.Misophonia surfaces as intense rage, it bubbles up. And if I use all of the power inside myself (like if I’m in a meeting with my boss and I can’t get away) it’s honestly as though I have used up my energy for EVERYTHING for the entire day. Not just patience for chewing, but patience for my kids, or any life hiccup. It’s like misophonia poked a hole in me and all of the kindness and patience has been drained through my misophonia colander. And the only thing that’ll fix it is to run away and scream or lock myself up for a long sleep in a dark quiet room to reset.
How Misophonia Impacts My Life
It’s not life threatening, but it is life altering. It appears to me that no one has time for me to explain or wants to really listen to me or empathize with me at all. I am constantly avoiding simple sounds which leaves me feeling extremely lonely and isolated.
Sounds made by others are “attacking” me, at least that’s how my brain interprets the sounds; which causes a fight or flight reaction. But the most vicious attack of my life, and fills me with pure rage if I can’t drown out the sound or walk away.
It’s an internal crisis that I deal with all day every day and still feel shame and embarrassment about sharing. I really do want to live an authentic life and be who I am truly meant to be and this is my first step by sharing this with the whole world. My goal is to learn how to love this part of myself and live with it daily, while still managing to prioritize, my other values like time with family and friends.
Misophonia has really altered my entire life because the presence of trigger sounds can be difficult to avoid in daily life. I have headphones with me at all times in case someone in the cube next to me has bubble gum or someone at a coffee shop starts chomping on an apple, so I can still concentrate and participate in social situations.
I have found that mimicking (chewing when others are chewing) is helpful, but I live with 3 boys who coach or participate in sports we have such varying schedules that there is always someone eating, so I just became a human garbage disposal and never stopped eating. Mimicking is my only coping mechanism, and all of that eating led to gaining about 5 lbs a year, and now that I’m 48, I am 100 lbs overweight.
Our family dinners are in front of a loud TV, which is to accommodate me, and so thoughtful to have background noise to try and help. It doesn’t always work, and I’ll end up pretending to urgently need to do a load of laundry, go upstairs in my home office to check in on work or take the dog for a walk before sunset, or some other made-up excuse to get me out of the room, especially if there is cereal or tortilla chips involved.
The only time I can handle eating with others at a table is in a loud restaurant so there is a bunch of background noise, but that leads to an expense, time consuming and high caloric lifestyle. Even just your jaw moving is a trigger for me, I can see it out of the corner of my eye, I wonder if you even know I look down, I can’t make eye contact while you’re eating, even if the background noise is loud.
I feel tremendous mother guilt that we never had the perfect family dinner conversations all the magazines and blogs tell you you need so your children don’t grow up to be psychopaths.
It’s hard not to wonder how my life would be different if I didn’t suffer from misophonia? Would I be able to have a nice quiet salad for dinner with my family and discuss the days events? Would I be able to concentrate better at work? Would I be able to handle dinner parties at friend’s houses? Would I be able to look my husband in the eye while we are sharing a meal and not feel rage bubble up as his jaw moves up and down? Would I be able to gift my children the chance to eat almonds next to me and not have to ask for permission? Would I be able to go on a road trip and not have to unhealthily blast music to drown out sounds of chewing and swallowing? Would I feel less lonely?
The only time I enjoy going to a movie is on a random Wednesday vacation day at 10:30am the week before the movie leaves the theatre because (I’ve done this 4 times now) there is a GREAT chance I’m the only one in the theatre and won’t have to hear sound of the wrappers and the chomping popcorn, skittles and twizzlers. I find a reason to be “busy” when my girlfriends invite me and I pretend like I am not interested in “superhero” movies when my husband takes our sons. But that leads into them watching movies and shows at home that are related to superheros and I’m not included because my lie has blown up. I try to create these boundaries without sounding crazy, or inconveniencing others, but it leads to a very isolating and stressful life.
I am grateful the sound of the keyboard doesn’t trigger me. I do have to channel all my brain cells if I am stuck in a meeting (like an audit) where others are chewing and I need to concentrate and keep it together. I wish there was an easy way to communicate my needs or to politely ask others not to eat when we are trapped in a small room. But I feel like food is the only other non-monetary motivator for office workers and it’s getting harder and harder to avoid situations where my misophonia is out of control.
It’s a constant struggle, me wanting to overcome it, trying to be stronger than it, not let it ruin my life. But also when I sit back and think about it – misophonia impacts almost EVERY MINUTE and EVERY CHOICE of my life. It’s this invisible condition that makes me sound crazy when I talk about it. My children and husband barely believe me, and just think I’m getting angry for no reason. But it’s neurological rage, it’s not annoyance. It’s not just an inconvenience, it’s fight or flight and I can’t over power it. Breathing, visualizing, don’t work. Quiet works. Removing myself works, but that’s not always possible.
I want to be respectful of others, for most of the time people are not doing it on purpose, I don’t want others to alter their behavior to accommodate me. But I need to be kind to myself and ask for what I need. I feel like a judgmental person, I want to see you eat, just not around me. I don’t wish you harm or hunger. But there are so many analogies about ‘breaking bread’ with someone and sharing a meal and movies making it the most special place to have conversations. And I crave connection and feel like I’m missing out because I self-exclude to manage my flight or fight symptoms from misophonia. It’s so difficult to want both things to be true.
What I Want Others to Know About Misophonia
My misophonia fight or flight response is so aggravated, it’s sweat, rage, anger, I literally can’t concentrate on reading or conversations if I’m triggered. It requires so much energy to dismiss the signal, it’s completely draining.
Everyone I have ever told has made fun of me at least once. Being dismissed is one thing, but it’s so hurtful if you share this with people you love or trust and then they make fun of you on purpose. And honestly, that’s usually someone’s first response to smack their lips together to see what happens when they trigger me on purpose. But we don’t push on someone’s joints when they say they have arthritis to see if they’re telling the truth!
Maybe this is just my lesson in empathy. Helping me understand that we’re all going through something painful and scary.
I have gotten a lot of what I wished for and I have a lot of privilege in my life, but this hangs over me like a dark cloud and I feel shame multiple times a day. It impacts every day activities, if someone having a snack or eating a meal or just out in public when you go to a child’s events and someone is chomping on potato chips next to you.
The contradiction of misophonia and how I like certain sounds but not all of them and how I gravitate towards learning sign language even though I live in the land of the hearing. I always fantasize about being able to just walk through life in your own head but then I also realize how sad it would be to not hear music or laughter. I want to be my authentic self and I’m not going to worry about what other people think of me or how I need to move about in the world that makes sense for me.
Misophonia might be considered one of my failures. But I consider it a gift. It makes me creative. I must deal with this problem all day, every day. And it makes me more aware of others conditions and how I should be more understanding and patient. It doesn’t take from my life, it gives. This heartache leads to growth. It’s not an anchor, it’s gravity. Everyone is fighting some sort of daily battle or invisible disease. Whether it’s arthritis, lupus, anxiety, depression, self-esteem, grief, we are all in this together, it just might look different when we act courageously.
I want to live authentically and be myself, but misophonia has me questioning my whole mind-body connection. I am mindful of the energy I create and hold and bring into building and spaces, but misophonia knocks me off my axis. There is no such thing as mind over matter when it comes to this horrible condition and fight or flight is triggered. Meditations, therapy, exposure, don’t help.
I just need quiet. Please stop chewing! And if you can’t stop chewing right now, please don’t be angry if I walk away or put in headphones, it’s not you, it’s misophonia!
Glass Half Full?
Maybe misophonia is my super power? I can literally feel sound throughout my body, and it impacts my emotions and all my physiological sensations. (just not sure how to use it when all it does is misinterpret noise as dangerous)!
Dolphins can hear shapes, plants can eat light, bees can dance maps, crickets can sing with their legs, Van Morrison can feel the sky ☀️
Love, dreams, emotions are just proof we are more than just our bodies 💕
Going alone isn’t necessarily synonymous with lonely ….
Benefits of going alone …
I asked family and friends if they wanted to join me, they say no (inclusive + planning).
I love being invited places so maybe this will be my chance to increase my invitations.
I want to go and I’m going!
I’m making my adventures happen!
And I was with a big group … I definitely wasn’t alone 🙂
I got to sit in the front row for a live event for the first time in my life.
My takeaways (besides the fact that MHS students are sooooooo talented):
I wish all of life’s arguments were worked out in a song 🙂
And also I was back in school and did fun stuff like this with friends, or work had a fun short term creative outlet project like this! (Throwback to our improv class!)
Are you honest when people give you a gift you won’t use? I’ve learned I really can’t be with anyone but Ryan.
I still feel guilty that I returned this today, but I mentioned wanting a ukulele on a whim, as a fun retirement project. But I have no ear for music, I can’t tune this on my own, I definitely can’t sing… and it stresses me out to have to teach myself. 🎸
This gift was so thoughtful …. But I just didn’t want it sitting there, judging me, not being used …. Such a waste of time, money and energy… and space!
Sorry Ryan, I love you! I appreciate you! I’m so grateful for you! It was a very sweet gesture for our 24th engagement anniversary… and I’ll always remember 💕 how much you love me.
I have so many thoughts when I walk by this amazing tree …
It’s not fair! The poor kid only have COVID garage birthday parties his whole life!
I do love the public gesture of his tree, it’s a beautiful reminder of how much he is loved, appreciated and cared for and to never take a single moment for granted.
Every word he said whispers through the air forever. Every atom which for a while made up sweet Omar, carries on in the air, or fits into a plant or bird. Every touch on your skin lives on in the neurons of your brain. Most of the atoms which make us up were born in a star. That light exists in us all.
Why did he have to die? A better question is why were they given to us? What did we do to deserve their love and joy, the sweet moments we shared. All those moments are a gift. Their death isn’t a punishment. Beginnings and Endings are tied to Earth. But love is unending. Birth and Death are just doors we walk through.
It’s a special, spiritual place and I’m so thankful this tree has a special place in my ❤️.
On this special Mother’s Day as your oldest child graduates high school, this is my wish for you.
I wish you good cell reception so they can call you if they get lost; but know that this is their trip to travel.
I wish you a detective badge, because you have shown them how to find the magic in their own soul, helping them uncover their dreams. Who else are those dreams meant for if not them?
I wish you a stethoscope, so you may always remember to listen to your heart, grant yourself grace to feel all the feelings.
I wish you a tool box filled with a new compass, map, thermometer, north star, lighthouse, anchor, atlas, umbrella, rainboots, because you have shared all of your knowledge with them and given them all the tools they need to succeed.
I wish you a GPS that is armed with the right questions to help you know which way you’re headed.
The world is the radio, but you gave your child the tools to find their own frequency.
Sit back, relax and enjoy, you did a GREAT JOB mama. You’ve both got this!
Live deep and wide, get to know people, have conversations about things other than the weather or what you are binge watching. Live the width of your life; not just the length of it. Live deep like the ocean and not shallow, take deep breaths, and breathe slowly and walk slowly, notice things don’t numb, don’t hurry, don’t fill your life with busyness.
Deep in thought
Deep like the ocean
Deep down you know
Still but moving
Dreaming, ebbing and flowing
We don’t belong there we can just visit
Holding our breath long enough to be amazed. Sit in awe. Stop sinking or swimming and just float.
Curious, open, peace, ease
Beauty quiet
The wind and the water lift me up.
There is something unknown, intangible in the salt water that moves me like a song/rhythm.
Majestic and full of secrets just like me
In the beauty, stillness, joy and ease we can know ourselves a bit deeper.
Sitting in the sand quietly creating the life I imagine.
Distance has nothing to do with depth, but sometimes giving yourself some distance from the stresses of everyday life will make your life so rich and deep it’s worth every penny of your vacation savings.
Depth takes dimension, time, energy, reflection, connection, commitment and attention. Depth is the antidote of skimming the surface. The tip of the iceberg.
Easy and simple is often the opposite of difficult and important.
The Lefty Writer 