this is mundelein

This is Mundelein

Mundelein to me can be summed up in one word BASEBALL.
Sure there are tons of other awesome things to do,

but on the MBSA fields is where I met all of my friends.
Where we built our family’s village.
Where my two sons met all their friends and made everlasting memories.
I’ve been volunteering on the board of directors for this local non-profit since 2011.

I have so many great baseball pictures.

I saw so many smiles and witnessed the players having so much fun.
I love everything about baseball.
The coaches silly nicknames for their players.
How the pitcher lives next door to the batter and they’re both giggling the whole at bat.
The youth umpire collecting his first ever paycheck.
The local businesses on the back of the t-shirt jerseys.
The kid who hit his first home run and celebrated at home plate with his team.
The sounds of moms and dads commiserating on how hard it is to get the kids there after work, and tips on getting white baseball pants clean.
The smell of peanuts, hot dogs and cracker jacks, mixed with sunscreen and bug spray.
The little siblings wiggling and squealing with laughter

petting a new puppy and trying to endure the whole game.
Baseball isn’t just a sport, baseball gives us a reason to get together often and build lifelong friendships. Baseball gives us a place we all belong.
BASEBALL: This is Mundelein.

Dear Taylor Baillie

Over twelve years ago I was pregnant with you, and today I celebrate your due date.

On Easter Sunday 2006 we announced to our families that we were happily expecting our second child. I didn’t even really know you existed.

I would talk to my belly all day long. In the car. At work. In the shower.

I loved walking around in those early weeks of pregnancy. I had a giant smile I couldn’t hide. I felt like I was gliding through life. I secretly got to take you everywhere I went. I didn’t have to share you. Only daddy and I knew you were real. It was like floating on a cloud.

purple butterfly

And then, in a horrible twist of fate, I had a miscarriage.

Ironically, on a day celebrating new life.

The day we told everyone we were pregnant.

Easter Sunday.

I went to the hospital that night so they could do an ultrasound and check on you.

And then I found out, I was pregnant with twins.

Your brother was fine. But you were not.

It was so difficult to mourn you, because I was still pregnant. I didn’t go through hormonal changes, as I was still pregnant with a healthy baby. So we didn’t share all the details far and wide. I was rather cautious about the health of the rest of my pregnancy.

But on today and everyday. I wanted to send you a special message of unending love.

I miss you everyday. I love the small messages you send me. I hope you realize I still carry you wherever I go. When my bare feet are tickled by the grass, I pray you can feel it. When I hear a special song that makes me smile, I hope you smile too. When I decorate for Christmas, I think of you. When I celebrate your brother’s birthday, I wonder what you’d be like and what your interests would be. When a snowflake melts on my nose, I feel your warmth.

I love you with my whole heart Taylor Baillie. I’m grateful I got to be your mom, even though I never really got to meet your body, just your soul.

During pregnancy, fetal cells migrate out of the womb and into a mother’s heart, liver, lung, kidney, brain, and more. They could shape moms’ health for a lifetime, Katherine J. Wu reported in 2024:⁠ https://theatln.tc/qozjIdje

⁠

The presence of these cells, known as microchimerism, is thought to affect every person who has carried an embryo, even if briefly, and anyone who has ever inhabited a womb. The cross-generational transfers are bidirectional—as fetal cells cross the placenta into maternal tissues, a small number of maternal cells migrate into fetal tissues, where they can persist into adulthood. ⁠

⁠

Genetic swaps, then, might occur several times throughout a life. Some researchers believe that people may be miniature mosaics of many of their relatives, via chains of pregnancy: their older siblings, perhaps, or their maternal grandmother, or any aunts and uncles their grandmother might have conceived before their mother was born. “It’s like you carry your entire family inside of you,” Francisco Úbeda de Torres, an evolutionary biologist at the Royal Holloway University of London, told Wu.⁠

⁠

Some scientists have argued that cells so sparse and inconsistent couldn’t possibly have meaningful effects. Even among microchimerism researchers, hypotheses about what these cells do—if anything at all—remain “highly controversial,” Sing Sing Way, an immunologist and a pediatrician at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, told Wu. But many experts contend that microchimeric cells aren’t just passive passengers. They are genetically distinct entities. And they might hold sway over many aspects of health: our susceptibility to infectious or autoimmune disease, the success of pregnancies, maybe even behavior. ⁠

If these cells turn out to be as important as some scientists believe they are, they might be one of the most underappreciated architects of human life, Wu writes.

here’s how I see it … my first tattoo

I waited 40 years before committing to a tattoo. But after deciding on the meaning and location, I sat down and took a deep breath and let the artist begin. Getting a tattoo on my wrist wasn’t nearly as painful as I was imagining. It was more like discomfort than pain. The next morning I woke up and was a bit surprised I actually went through with it! But I love the message I choose. And I love the reminder when I’m in the shower, when I wash and dry my hands, when I apply lotion… It’s a great location for a gentle and personal reminder.

有意 Be intentional

Tattoo

my tattoo is a visual self-help reminder for me to:

*live my life with purpose and grace, and according to my values

*spend my time and money on things I find important (be grateful not greedy)

*do something that my future self will thank me for (eat healthy, exercise, save money, be quiet, don’t anger quickly, have fun, relax, make memories)

*not to be cavalier with my body and soul

*mindfulness is a love affair with life

*there is a limit to how intentionally we can live our daily lives, probe the depths, but return to the surface so you can breathe

*it’s in Chinese because my niece is from China and I’m entrusted to be her Godmother

*of course I am not perfect at any of this, hence my permanent reminder…

*but every day I wake up and try!

*and when I need a reminder, hopefully I’ll look at my wrist 🙂

*and if I mess up, I’ll forgive myself and try again

What is your tattoo story?

here’s how I see it … PADS

Well, it’s Thursday. My alarm goes off at 4am, I usually groan. I’m tired. I hit snooze. But today is the last day of the season, I’m up early drinking coffee and reflecting. I started volunteering for PADS mobile homeless shelter in October, and although it’s hard to “find” time to volunteer, I’d like to think I always make time for things I’m passionate about.

When I arrive at St. Mary’s, the lights aren’t even turned on yet. Some guests are stirring. Some are getting washed up and dressed in the bathroom. Some are helping us sort the sheets for the laundry, and stack the pads for cleaning. Some moms are just cuddling with their babies while we prepare breakfast. Helping someone feel clean, a little more rested, providing breakfast and lunch is a wonderful way to begin your day. I’m grateful for the girl scouts, boy scouts, school groups and others who packed lunches with love, that we got to pass out. I’m thankful for all the volunteers who cooked dinner and breakfast. Who donated gift cards for Christmas Presents, who donated clothes, bags, tampons, diapers, toothbrushes, etc. I’m proud of my own children for waking up on their own (Ryan probably helped), getting dressed and making their own breakfast to allow me serve in this ministry and still get them to school on time.

Hug your kids tight today, and be thankful you all didn’t wake up on the church basement floor, with nowhere warm and cozy to sleep next week.

pads

People shouldn’t be labeled as homeless it is just a circumstance and something that they are experiencing for a little while. Additional mental health programs and education would go a long way to help, but for now, I did what I could and tried to start my day with kindness and compassion. A simple act of telling someone to have a great day or that they have a beautiful smile will ignite the light inside of them; at least for a few moments. Even if I never know their personal stories, I just want these individuals to know that they are seen, heard and that they matter.

When you see people up close … it’s very apparent we are all more alike than we are different.

here’s how I see it … supermom

As a working mom my least favorite phrase is “I don’t know how you do it”. To me no matter how you say it, it comes across with a very passive aggressive tone. Like before you even get to know me, you’re assuming I have to fail at something. I can’t possibly be an attentive and loving mom, involved in my kids schools, well educated, a competent employee, loving daughter and sister, involved in the community, cook dinner sometimes and (wink, wink) please my husband.

Supermom. We all know one. And hate them. I am supermom. Or at least I’ve been called that. But I don’t want that nickname. I don’t want it (insert tempertantrum here!).

Super Jake 5K

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I’m overcommitted. I have 2 kids, I’m married, a homeowner and I work full time. I can’t afford a cleaning service or a nanny. I drive a small sedan so carpooling to sports practice is not an option. I volunteer way too much. I have no time for reality TV (but that’s ok with me). I sign up for too many 5Ks and even ran a ½ marathon last year. I could stand to lose a few pounds, but overall my life is great. My life is full. I am blessed. I feel loved. Alone. But loved.

Spreading myself this thin, I find myself spacing out in evening board meetings thinking “wouldn’t this time be better spent reading and cuddling with my kids at home?” But I keep going, and keep volunteering; because who else will step up and volunteer?

I have very nice family and very nice friends that would help in a pinch – but I have to confess – I can’t ask for help. I am stubborn. (And that’s an understatement if you ask my husband.) I suffer in silence. I feel stressed out. Alone. Not good enough. But I’m a control freak. And so far I’ve managed to keep my head above water, so I continue on. And I silently nod when you say “I don’t know how you do it.” I don’t know either. And then I continue to NOT ask for help.

I mentally make a map of the weeks errands, work projects, homework, sporting events and activities, not because I’m trying to save gas or time, but because it’s like a crazy f’ed up puzzle that I can barely make work. I feel like I’m playing Jenga, but it’s not a game – it’s my life! And it’s only a matter of time until the tower falls.

I don’t really have any good friends that aren’t as busy as I am. I mean I have acquaintances, but no one I would tell what I’m telling you. I go to everything I’m invited to and always try new things. I plan a bunch of fun girls nights out, join moms groups, play bunco, stay after church and small talk with everyone. I started a parent-child book club. I help with every activity I can at school. I really try to keep in touch with everyone, but it seems to only be on a superficial level, a casual lunch, email, text, connection on linkedin and friending them on facebook.

We see other very nice people all the time. We get together for family parties. We get together with friends. We host parties. ALL THE TIME. And I don’t really have time to cook, clean, shop. But I don’t really get invited out that much. I hate hosting parties, like pit-in-my-stomach-can’t-sleep-the-few-nights-before-anxiety, but I like people. I need people. I see people at work, board meetings, volunteering, school events, neighbors, starbucks… But no one talks about anything substantial. No one ever talks about their hopes and dreams, wishes and fears, or anything about how they’re feeling! It’s all small talk: sports & weather, how are the kids? No one really ever asks how are YOU? And really waits (or has time) to hear the answer.

I can’t really blame my friends for being busy, they’re just doing their best just like I am. But I wonder, after all this effort, how is it possible to still feel alone? I even tried talking to MY mom, but everytime I call her she cuts me off right away and says “you sound busy, I’ll let you go”.

I am strong

I don’t need help (but I want help, gosh I’d love help! I think…)

I feel loved

I feel alone

And then I feel guilty because my “problems” are not real problems at all! I have it so great – 2 healthy, gorgeous, loving kids, a warm house with food on our table at every meal, a husband who loves and supports me, a great job, countless opportunities at my fingertips, a great education, a nice safe and friendly community to live in…. So I shouldn’t be so stressed out and lonely. I am smart, I should be able to “handle it.” I am Supermom! But I don’t want to be…. I can handle it. I can do it myself. But it’s so hard. So very, very, very hard.

Where’s that cape Supermom?

Today it’s hiding under my pjs and it’s going to stay there all day! While I cuddle with my kids and tell them how much I love them.

Super Jake 5K Unless of course you have time for dinner and a deep conversation, then I’m free!

here’s how I see it … becoming un-busy

BUSY is a four-letter word.

Busy is an excuse.

Busy is a horrible reason to not do something, and it’s really just a cover for you not having your $#iT together and clear priorities.

It sounds strange, that I’m starting a blog, and ADDING something to my life when I’m trying to become un-busy. But writing is a form of meditation for me. I want to wake up and set my intention each morning, feel more present and live life like a meditation.

I have been working 70+ hours a week since July, and it’s been horrible. My body is giving me so many signs to slow down, a broken arm, a torn calf muscle, vertigo, a sprained ankle and recently; carpal tunnel.

I’ve committed to two different board of directors for the next 9 months, and I’m a lot of things, but quitter isn’t one of them. So I have to balance those roles on top of my newly exploding workload. My husband works crazy hours 9 months out of the year. I have a son trying to go to Cooperstown for a baseball tournament, which is also very time consuming.

I’ve been there for others, but I’m leaving myself behind.

All signs point to slowing down.

But how?

Right now, writing is helping me slow down. Think through decisions. Appreciate life. Plan ahead. Appreciate the past. Reflect on this year. Set goals for the future.

So I’ll keep writing…

And I’ll try to under-react to problems that come up.

How do YOU stay un-busy and save time to relax and recharge?

And I’ll practice saying NO, so I can become un-busy…someday… but I will definitely save time to build snow forts!

here’s how I see it … Olive Garden

Our anniversary is coming up! It’s my favorite day of the year.

Back in the 90’s, I worked at the Olive Garden and met my husband. Today, we celebrate all of our special moments there: birthdays, graduations, and especially our wedding anniversary.

My husband was server and then a bartender. I was server and then a trainer for the wait staff. Our friendship blossomed into love to the soundtrack of “that’s a’more” at the Olive Garden.

Amazingly, two employees (Abel and Cervantes) are still there bussing tables just as they were when we were employees two decades ago.

Our two sons call it “the place mommy and daddy fell in love” when we dine there, drive by or even see a commercial on TV.

Life shouldn’t just be lived; it should be celebrated (at the Olive Garden!)

here’s how I see it … answering oprah’s questions

Have you seen the TV show or listened to the podcast “Super Soul Sunday?” Oprah has wonderful big-picture, deep questions that she asks her guests and answering them really helped me to focus on my life’s purpose.

I began with the first one as that moment brought me to tears. I was walking along a beach on vacation and saw a yoga class, everyone was laying on their backs in the sand, except for one woman. As I walked closer I realized she had a special needs son and she was doing the poses for him. It was the most beautiful expression of love I have ever accidentally come across. I felt like I saw God at work.

I feel the presence of God when… I see acts of love(mother moving her special needs child’s legs at beach yoga on vacation, friends helping one another, an act of kindness)

I experience love when… I realize I am enough and allow myself to feel love.

I am living my purpose when… I am Creating. Writing, Photography. Cultivating Relationships.

My life force is most fulfilled when…I help others

My hope for my legacy is… people remember me. And that I helped as many people as I could.

What inspires me… life is a collection of moments, all we have is right now, this breath, this moment. … I don’t want to long to be thin, I long for peace, light, clarity, joy

What is the lesson that took me the longest to learn…habits (save money, clean, exercise, write… do a little every day … I’m still learning this)

What is the clearest/cleanest path to your authentic self… SERVICE. Serve others. (be yourself *bring your whole self* at home, work, with kids, volunteer)

What is the soul? You soul is what makes you YOU and goes beyond human understanding, your body is here now at this space and time (molecules, atoms, neurons). You can connect your body and soul through breath.

What is your definition of God? God is a Verb, God isn’t a being.

What do you believe is the purpose of life? Release Heaven while living on Earth (brilliant phrasing by Mark Nepo)

What is the secret to a happy life? Mindfulness. All we have is this moment. TETHER YOURSELF To real people, real conversations, real scenery. To furry animals, interesting books, good music and the great outdoors. To spatulas, hammers, cameras, paintbrushes and yoga mats. Live life: On purpose, in the present moment.

life is beautiful

What is your personal prayer? Thank You and Help

What do you think will happen when you die? Energy doesn’t get created or destroyed, I think we are part of the universe and stay part of the universe. All messages of the afterlife are a little bit true. I think we live on literally through the dirt and spiritually through the memories of other people.

What do you know for sure? The pie can get bigger. Everyone can achieve their dreams. If someone else achieves something great, cheer for them, celebrate it. It’s not taking anything away from you and your dreams.

here’s how I see it … me (introduction)

I am a 43-year old wife, mother, friend, community volunteer, employee, sister, daughter, aunt, and self-help junky. I am on a constant and urgent quest to figure out the meaning of life. What can I do to make a difference? How can I use my time in the most important way? I want to be a wonderful mother, loving wife, supportive friend, dedicated community volunteer, impactful employee and take care of my entrusted soul.

I just want to be enough. Enough for my husband. Enough for my kids. Enough for my friends and family. Enough for my community. I feel spread too thin and exhausted. Writing has helped me think through all of life’s big questions. And maybe sharing some of my writing will help one of you, I hope it does.

I believe that the point of human existence is to be HUMAN. Express your energy, creativity, emotions and ideas. Go out into the world, sing, dance, paint, write, read, love, laugh, cry, run, talk, learn… That’s how our lives matter.

So, I shall write and create and share … welcome!

be kind be brave be curious — words to live by: Be Kind. Be Brave. Be Curious.

here’s how I see it … why a blog?

Why do I want to write a blog? Seems like the obvious first post, right?

This blog is all thanks to 9+years of writing that I started sharing, and one final push (today) from my friend Jen.

I have spent so much time thinking, writing and reading about almost every subject. And this blog is the perfect place to have conversations with the universe regarding my thoughts, feelings and ideas.

cropped-lefty-writer

When I was in elementary school, I was always “smart” at math and science. Placed in honors classes and eventually majoring in science in college; science and math became part of my identity. But as I age and grow, I find an increasing need to create. Reflecting and looking back, I realize being in basic LA (lowest level English and writing classes) made me feel inferior. I am on a mission to prove to myself and the world that I CAN write.

Not only CAN I write, I want to write and I don’t want to hide my story. Growing up my mom literally responded to any questions of benign inquiry like “who did you go to prom with?” with an answer that would shut down any curious child “that’s none of your business.”

I believe words have power. And stories help us make sense of the world.

Everyone has a different life story, a different recipe for a wonderful human life. Life is not just a boring timeline of facts and accomplishments. Tell your story, and listen generously to other’s stories while we are here.

So, for whomever wants to read it, I am holding the pen, and here is my story…