I love visiting colleges! For me, for my children, for prospective attendance decisions, for a sporting event ….
I’m alway jealous … every campus is full of energy, ideas, diversity, youth, conversations, unlimited possibilities!
As this was the weekend before finals, and a foggy gloomy day, it felt more hard than normal. life is hard. College is hard. But it’s a good hard. My report card was always perfectly imperfect, but it was all mine. I worked hard selling books or pastries. I rollerbladed, biked, walked to work to scrape together enough money to attend the next semester. My ideas, tests and papers were my own. They might not have been earth shattering, but I did my best.
The week before finals. You can feel the intense energy in the air. Excitement, but reasonable stress… that will end in a week.
Learning and growing. With time to think, focus on one subject at a time. Something that interests me. Someone that supports and encourages me (my professor).
My life feels like stress but it just goes on and on for decades. With no Christmas break or summer break or change unless I switch jobs. And if feels like when I switch jobs it just multiplies stress not removes any.
Instead of jealousy, I flip the script and ask ….
How can I have more boundaries for myself? How can I make more time to think strategically? How can I have more time to focus on one subject at a time?
I’m so blessed to be able to celebrate this special day with you. I’m looking forward to your dmv appointment on Saturday.
Have a Finn-Tastic 16th Birthday! 🦈 🎂
I just want you to know that you make everything better.
Perfecting the Pam and Jim air-high-five
I love your excitement, positive attitude and endless energy. I love that you listen to your body and rest when you need it. I love how you value sleep and eating healthy, but have balance and splurge sometimes. You are so fun to be around. I love talking to you. I love going anywhere with you, driving, shopping, dinner, a movie, it’s all better when you’re there.
Just like Christmas lights make this time of year more beautiful, Finn you light up my heart and make everything brighter. You sparkle! You shine from within, and never need the spotlight.
You’re the exclamation point at the end of our family and the end of each day!
Thanks for making our family complete! You’re the best of us.
Keep dreaming big, always follow what fascinates you, keep that passion for life, ideas and entrepreneurial inventions alive. You’re on your way to do great things.
Be Kind. Be Brave. Be Curious. I love you with my whole heart Finnegan and I always will.
As we enter December I started reflecting on the year … and I am proud of myself! I really lived again this year! You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.
Rung in the new year in Jamaica 🇯🇲
Polar plunge in the Pacific Ocean. ✈️ 🏝️🐻❄️
Track and Cross country with F & M 🏃♂️
Finn Peoria, Springfield, NXR 🏃♂️
Michael Regionals 🏃♂️
Finn driving and first job @ Beach 🏖️
Luna was Born 👶
Brock’s first birthday 🎂
Lauren’s Engagement 💍
Winter Olympics 🥌
CLASSES! Cannoli, Glassblowing, Woodpainting, ASL, Story Exploratory
A black hole has a gravitational pull so intense that nothing, not even light can escape. My childhood felt like a black hole. And I am exhausted trying to share my light with the world.
I have spent much of my adult life trying to find a portal to family knowledge, my history, my ancestry, my identity, how to fit in, the antidote to loneliness, how to find friends, and really just how to live my life. The whole time thinking my mom had the answer, but just didn’t want to tell me. Now I think, not only does she not have the answers, but she doesn’t even want to discuss the questions with me either. I don’t think it’s really personal, I just don’t think she wants to talk to anyone!
Brene Brown “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness, will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
I was never allowed to have boundaries growing up, so I created barriers. My parents had extreme emotional distance. I received care, clothing and food growing up, but I never learned what love was until I learned to love myself, very recently. My parents were the children of war, so they focused on survival. I want to thrive, not just survive. They didn’t allow themselves to heal or have the capacity of real love, which I forgive them for. Our visits now are painfully awkward and silent and void of any life and joy, but I keep showing up to tempter their disappointment in me.
My parents taught me self-sufficiency and independence. I rollerbladed to work in high school and college, paid for my own tuition, wedding, changed my own flat tires. My loneliness turned into aggressive independence. But I have now found people who won’t quit on me. I am breaking the cycle for my own children.
Secrets are like toxic waste, they don’t go away even when they’re buried. And despite the boring exterior, our relatives have their fair share of secrets. Truth was never shared, it was “none of my business”, the gaps of information are what caused the holes in my heart, not the truth. In the absence of knowing the truth, children will make up stories, and in those stories I became the deeply flawed character. The question isn’t am I going to find out, the question is am I going to find out from YOU about Uncle Bruce, Cousin Carl, my brother’s 1-8 Children. What are you pretending not to know? Face the secrets. I overshare because I want people to know I was here. I wish my parents realized that life is really beautiful when you follow the truth and share your heart.
My childhood felt like a black hole because there was no passion, no celebrations, no juicy emotions and I am the complete opposite, celebrating the everyday, being silly, exploring and always finding adventures.
The pendulum of my celebration is finding center, I don’t need to drink and eat in excess as much anymore. I am finally figuring out my authentic self and how I show up in this world and where I belong. I don’t have to do it all. I have been loyal to the energy vampires to a fault, to my relatives, to my company.
The black hole has gravity so strong that light cannot escape it. Maybe that’s why I’m exhausted. I’ve been trying to share my light but the gravity from my childhood-shaped hole is so strong, I’ve had to work so hard at it. What holds the black hole or sun or light in place? We are always moving, always changing. I just need to escape the black hole; darkness is fine, but the gravitational sucking of the light that is the issue I am working to fix.
My parents are neutral to the point of being disengaged with everything. “I don’t know how you’re my daughter” (after tap dancing, bunco, any story I share, making me executor of the will but not sharing details). How can you feel love, intimacy, connection, joy without letting yourself be seen and known? How can you let yourself be loved if you can’t yourself be seen? I have felt invisible in front of my parents so many times I stopped counting (you have an extra plate, it was for me; you say “we’ll pass” to every invitation because you’re not sports people, they never take photos and that’s my love language). My siblings lived in the same house as me, but we did not have the same childhood.
I can’t carry the weight of this hurt anymore, I want to shine. I want to be free. I want to fall in love with the world every day. I want to have a daily dose of novelty. I want to write and make art and get tattoos and carve my name in a bench and share that I was here. I hope people remember me and miss me. I will not bury myself in the dark; that’s not the only way to nourish my children and support their growth. I want to follow my hopes and dreams, achieve my goals.
Stories are moments and ordinary moments strung together are what makes a life. This isn’t an apology or announcement of forgiveness, I don’t need to forgive someone I could never really count on anyway. I am just finding it hard to forgive myself for taking this long to learn. And for that I write, I read, I meditate, I walk, I move, I heal and I extend myself grace.
I embrace my solitude, I am solar-powered and create my own light. I generate my own energy and happiness by creating a wonderful life for the life of this black sheep. I am an infinite abundance of light, love, peace and growth.
We cannot heal what we do not acknowledge. To live an authentic life is to tell the truth, to others, but especially yourself. My truest and most beautiful life is filled with sharing experiences, conversations, emotions, dreams, connections, my full self.
Looking to the future, when I need to see my relatives, I shall practice peaceful ambivalence at these uncomfortable obligations. I am not looking for belonging anymore. I can be their scapegoat, their opinions of me are none of my business. I will break the generational curses and my children will feel held and free in my infinite love for them.
when you don’t answer or return my calls, and delete that you even missed them …. March 2 2024 – after I called this week and left a voicemail asking how her week was without dad (Yellowstone) – haven’t seen her in person since Dec 9, 2023 – doesn’t know about my hysterectomy, 6 weeks off work, layoffs, Michael’s wisdom teeth … life and her text is just an admission on trying to delete me out of her phone & her life it feelsI’ve spent 49 years trying and crying …. Please let me release this. Focus on the future, not the past. Make it easier for Michael and Finn than it was for me. lighten their load …
The family I create is so much more important than the family I come from. 💕
my mother’s philosophy & I’m coming to terms with it …slowly They did both! How we talk (email) about death with relatives
From When Women Were Dragons “Perhaps this is how we learn silence – an absence of words, an absence of context, a hole in the universe where the truth should be”
wish someone would say this to me
I was in the car by myself for 6 hours yesterday wishing I had someone to call and talk to … it’s lonely…
I can’t really answer the question of who do I want to be unless I understand how did I become who I am.
Shared stories are how we create a sense of self and it’s taking me almost 50 years to come up with those stories on my own because my relatives won’t share them with me.
It helps me set up my beliefs my values, my shared experiences my belonging feeling part of a family instead of just someone saying none of your business or deleting missed calls from me.
It started long ago, and continued on my wedding day, the Baillie side of the family took a giant family photo without the bride and groom! Ha I’ve always felt invisible. I was raised when “children should be seen but not heard” and my mom took it one step father and didn’t want to hear me either. Constant messages of “I don’t know how you’re my daughter” and “that’s none of your business” if I tried to talk about her instead. My dad thinking there is one too many plates, but it’s for me and I was right behind him waiting to sit down. My mom deleting missed calls from me and texting saying I didn’t mean to call you back. Almost every commute, every movie I watch, etc brings me to the point of wishing I could call a parent or have someone to talk to, and just ending up writing or crying instead. I’ve spent so much of my mental energy trying to unwrap things that are not for me. I shall let those relatives go.
Without sharing these stories with me, I not only don’t have an idea of how the world works, but I can’t figure out how I fit into the world either.
I don’t want what doesn’t want me ….
No matter how old you are you still want to feel like you belong in your family and with your parents. It’s such a strange and hurtful place to not be included and not be welcomed and not share any feelings or thoughts. Just go through the motions check the box, make the family photo happen, RSVP to the event, move on, trade cash and an envelope with your Cousin’s like you’re pretending to buy presents.
I can’t be myself, I can’t be authentic and that’s what’s exhausting every time I see you or have to talk to you or think about our interactions. Most people love being themselves around their parents or feel support love admiration inspired by their parents and want to be like them and I’m quite the opposite.
A little breakthrough today 2/5/25: I was raised to be independent, and I never asked for help unless I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, so I assume when other people ask for help they are too, in such a horrible place, so I always say yes I can help ….
Another little breakthrough 2/19/25: growing up in a home where everything was “fair” and we never talked about real injustices, bullying, or any feelings, so of course when something went “wrong” I automatically assumed it was me, I was the problem.
My laugh contains a giggle and sometimes a snort. My laugh is a unique source of pride, embarrassment, my originality, my fingerprint. As fleeting as a snowflake or life here on Earth. My laugh is my own creation and offering. A way to show up and put myself out there. Laughter requires being open, present, and authentic; the best qualities of life.
To create a laugh, I need nourishment, an idea, a funny moment and some oxygen. I use my breath, belly and facial expressions. Laughter is a behavior, attitude, thought and action all at once. An expression of love. Laughter is a way to honor what I am paying attention to. A solidification of noticing the small moments and making them more important.
Your life is just a series of what you pay attention to. So whenever you are distracted, you are literally giving up pieces of your life.
Forever is composed of nows – Emily Dickinson
Laughter requires almost all of your body; muscles, neurons, lungs, mouth, vibrations, heartbeats and sometimes even tears.
Laughter is an acknowledgement and a celebration. Laughing nurtures curiosity, because what makes people laugh is rather elusive.
Laughter requires more than one person, a connection…which is why we are here on Earth, to build connections.
Laughter is an ordinary part of life, yet deeply extraordinary.
If a few of my laughs vibrate in the universe after I’m gone, a piece of me will still be here.
It’s hard to feel like you have saltwater in your veins while you have a life you love in the Midwest. Every time I’m near sand, saltwater and sun, the best parts of me come brilliantly alive.
2 months ago when I learned I was going to a conference less than a mile away from the Clearwater Marine Animal Hospital, the conference was scheduled Tues – Friday , I immediately took one vacation day to fulfill a dream I have had ever since I saw Dolphin Tale in 2011 in the theatre.
My own little make-a-wish trip! And I say that not because I think I’m getting old, or dying or that I even deserve a wish-trip. But I believe if we focus on moments of tremendous joy, those moments multiply and keep coming into your life. And actions make wishes and dreams come true.
My flight was paid for by work, so this trip just cost me one vacation day and one night at the hotel. I frugally packed and brought beef jerky for lunch and a zone bar for breakfast each day before the conference started.
I tried to visit CMA during the pandemic with my youngest son, to meet Winter but I didn’t make it in time. I grieved when she passed last November, I rewatched the movie Dolphin Tale over and over until I had memorized the entirety, and then kept watching it again and again. It was inspirational on every front …. every character.
I wanted to rescue dolphins and connect with them while they heal. The best part of the Dolphin Tale movies are the live rescue footages at the end! I love what CMA does.
As I boarded my plane from Chicago to Tampa, my seat and gate were identical (26C, C26), and I saw that as a sign that this was meant to be. Then I noticed you can watch free movies on the United Airlines and Dolphin Tale began!
I checked in at the hotel, enjoyed some freshly caught Red Snapper for dinner and headed towards Pier 60 to soak in the sunset. The pier was overflowing with vendors, fishermen, artists, street performers. I paid a mere $1 for access to the perfect sunset viewing, I got a seat on a bench and this older gentleman sat next to me drinking liquor from a paper bag. At the moment the sun completely fell into the gulf, he declared “this day is done, there will never be another one like it” amen my barstool philosopher friend!
Monday morning, I walked the 1.4 miles to Clearwater Marine Animal Hospital (CMA) as if my body knew how to find it.
I arrived a half hour before the gates opened to the public, and found a treasure-trove of wishes on the surrounding sidewalk and dock.
I deeply loved the whole aquarium, every animal, every exhibit. And then, I became a VIP and met 3 dolphin trainers Gabby (Nicholas 🐬) and Chloe (Hope 🐬) and Meghan. The dolphin pools were closed and Meghan took my breathe away when she announced that PJ died suddenly over the weekend.
I saw on the news there was a school shooting in St Louis, a few miles away from where I stand, people are still homeless from Hurricane Ian; life is so difficult, and I am really grateful for this experience and I don’t take any of it lightly.
I left my dolphin experience urgently wanting to experience (and deserve) everything life has to offer. I’ve always been excited by sunrises, sunsets, seeing a new bird species or brilliant flower. But the sand on the beach felt softer, the air tasted more savory. In the words of Alexandra Cousteau “Water is the ink that writes the poetry of life” and I hope I go back into the water when I die and become a poet.
I’m not sure what lottery I won to be able to have had this week of dolphins, sunshine, palm trees, pelicans, public art, fresh fish, live music, beach walks, boat rides, swimming, coffee on a balcony, and 24-hr outdoor hot tub … but I deeply appreciated every single minute!
Yes, I even appreciated the really long conference days! I am so used to my 14-meeting work days where I am always presenting and it was lovely to sit back, take notes and learn!
six days of seashells, sunshine, sand, saltwater …. and software….I’ll never forget!
I grieve with you for PJ. I will bring Hope’s playfulness and energy and Nicolas’s tenderness and fragility with me throughout my precious life.
I can’t even express how proud I am that I created these two amazing humans and they created this brilliant bond for one another …. And support each other and surprise everyone and go to extra effort to share in the excitement of a big accomplishment like qualifying for varsity and running regionals … and rearranging their own ncaa training schedule the week before conference … I am bursting with pride that our little family is not as dysfunctional as how I grew up, and we are all making the world a better place ….
What am I doing today (and this year) to keep myself off autopilot? A daily dose of novelty!
Live an authentic life, not an anesthetized one. I want to feel everything, even if it’s hard or uncomfortable. Instead of running away from the world, we can find escape by immersing ourselves in it.
Whenever I find myself feeling jealous, flip it to find some of that for my life. Quote from Ferris Bueller “you could ditch.”
WWTD. I give moments power, tell my story, and transform my suffering so I don’t transmit it. I won’t keep old wounds open as evidence of a trial that will never come.
The mind-body-spirit-connection is the tension of being alive. All working together, the nervous system, consciousness, dreams, cell regeneration….
Believe in the power of the incremental, habits and consistency are the keys to a well-lived life.
Treat emotions like a compass, pointing you in a the right direction. happiness is not the same as pleasure.
I deserve to live in peace. be still and know.
Don’t break promises you make to yourself. Do something today that your future self will thank you for.
I can think expansive thoughts. I am the universe. I am an abundance of love, light, peace and growth.
I picked one little word for 2022, and I chose “surf” because I hoped I could channel the phrase “surf the urge” when I craved sugar. It was a verb to me… but the more I brought surf to the surface and to my attention, I noticed the noun showing up everywhere …. podcasts, tv shows, the Jimmy Buffet channel in my new car, book titles, movie cameos from Bethany Hamilton. So interesting!
We can’t stop the waves, but we can learn how to surf!
I thought of ways to use this word intentionally; couch surf, channel surf, crowd surf …. I learned surfing lingo in sign language class, used it as a writing prompt, and kept the message top of mind that I can harness the energy from the sun and waves and create the life I dream of. Ride the wave. Go with the flow. We don’t have to sink or swim, we can float/surf. And stay grounded on a strong foundation, but still moving in alignment with the universe!
I don’t need easy, I just need possible – Bethany Hamilton
a big wave, swell, surge, ripple, ocean, foam …
I’ve never experienced large surf or hurricane. Waves always calm my soul. They’re just magic to me.
Sun. Sand. Salt Water.
If I ever have a boat I’m naming it Seas The Day 🏄
Under the water where you can’t see, an underground canyon/cliff produces the worlds biggest wave in Portugal.
Brave wait patiently and then Commit
Perfect Wave, need cooperation
from the sea
Dangerous POWER of the Sea,
the Ocean’s Energy
Cross between Danger zone & Playground, the rescues are dangerous .
I didn’t know there would be hurricane Ian or a trip to Florida in my future when I picked this word!
I picked this word as a verb to help me overcome sugar cravings & surf the urge. It hasn’t really worked for that, but I have been delighted to find this word SURF popping up in other places. And the messages really help me feel aligned.
From showing up in the tv shows I watched to podcasts and book titles. Also, meeting new people at our local hangout who surf the Lake Michigan waves. Leading me to my trip in Clearwater. And that work and life is a wave of craziness too that I just need to surf. And enjoy the ride!
CK, Surf, Dolphin …. I am where I’m supposed to be 9 days left this year and what a find! How fun! Santa’s Surf Shack
The Lefty Writer 